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Names of some identifiable theaters, towns and country music stars have been edited to protect Josh from identifying Google searchs. CAPITALIZED NOUNS indicate my only edits to his posts.
Fans, who wish to track Josh's ongoing travels can read his previous entries here.
On The Road With Josh #9:
Western Promises or 3 Weeks Left
Holl-er, folksies. I hope you're doin' good, lookin' good, and feelin' good. So I remand my earlier statement that the Midwest was my favorite part of the tour. The west was my favorite part of the tour. If you have not gone west, please do at some point in your life. Utah is fairly desolate, and it does get pretty hot (…but it's a dry heat…) down in the Southwest, but the amount of uninterrupted space holds more exceptional awe than the bloody gore in The Hills Have Eyes. Believe you me, that when we were driving through the desert, I kept my eyes on every possible horizon in preparation for a nuclear-deformed incest-mutant attack. Oh, you know there is truth to all things fictional, and I wasn't about to take any chances. I had the TD give me some pointers on basic automobile detailing, and at every time we had to stop I checked the engine, made sure the gas cans were closed, etc. Clearly I made it through, unscathed and un-raped, and am so happy to report that the west has been a good experience.
Much has happened in the past two weeks. After Rockford we went to Overland Park, KS for some shows. We have had excellent luck with loading dock, non-lift gate load-in's at the past several venues, cutting down the load-in time by a lot. Indeed, our fastest time for load-in completion has been 3 hours. This is crazy considering the amount of stuff we have (lights, set pieces, props, etc.) When you see the show, it doesn't look like much, and indeed it is not comparatively speaking. So moods have been better because of efficiency. Although there has been much grumbling about just wanting to be done and go home from everyone at this point.
From Kansas, we had three long drive days in a row: Kansas to Burlington, Co, Colorado to Green River, UT, Utah to Las Vegas, NV. Driving through the Rockies is quite possibly one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had. We drove through a fair bit of snow stormage, but it was worth it for the humbling and scenic views. I think, at some point in my life, I should live in a house that is nestled among other houses in a mountain range. Sure, winters can be rough, and driving safety can be questionable, but the air and the prospect of seeing mountains and trees whenever I want is too scintillating to pass up. Ya know, I'm thinking Vale, Aspen, or some other destination tourist place, but I think I could be happy there….with my millions….ya know…
Also on the drive through Kansas, we noted a couple of roadside points of interest. There is a place where you can see a 3'6" donkey, pet baby pigs, see the live snakes, which is about as special as a butterfly landing on a little retarded boy's head on a sunny day in a field covered with flowers…. There is a truck stop in Denver that smells like piss, looks like it has been pissed on, and has a sign in the men's room that says "If you don't like piss, then piss off." Oh the fuck I do not give about other people's personal habits and ideas of fun, but some things are just gross and stupid, universally.
Also, this saying "Six to one, half dozen the other," is about as common and annoying as saying "sweet" after everything. I am so tired of this saying. And it comes with such ease out of 95% of the mouths I have encountered across the U.S. Do people in Chicago say this? And why? What happened to discussion about something? Why must saying this horrid phrase end any further discussion about something, anything? It's like my hatred of the letter "p," specifically at the beginning of the word "party."
The hotel in Burlington was tough to take. It smelled like the elderly and meth, with a little bit of ear wax and melted crayons thrown in for flavor. It was completely full due to the whiteout conditions and the closed highway. I looked into the pool area and was disgusted to find no less than 15 big greasy-bellied truckers taking dips, with children and saggy-boobed denizens clad in Jacqueline Smith. For a minute, I thought that maybe, just maybe I was intruding on the filming of "Bears on Vacation."….and threw up a little bit in my mouth as I thought I heard a few of them growl. The saving grace was watching Battlestar Galactica and chips and salsa. This was only for one night….please Sweet Jesus, it's only for one night.
Once in Utah, the scenery was red…and that's about it. You can't see any towns at all, because there aren't any outside of Salt Lake City. What there are are blinkyoumisses: if you blink, you miss whatever civilization you encounter. And Green river was no exception. The middle of absolute nowhere, with some stray cat as the only wildlife to be seen was the impression we received.
The drive to Vegas was long. Vegas itself was kind of humorous, as the formula for getting there was this: Driving, driving, mountain, driving, driving, driving, mountain, driving, desert, desert, mountain, driving, desert, Vegas! I didn't venture out in Vegas, because it was too, too hot, and I didn't want to walk among the sweating masses. Stupid, I'm sure, but if I really want to go there, I'll go there again with other people. Ooooo, but the shit people where in Vegas! In the lobby of our Doubletree Hotel, at around 5pm when it is still daylight, this is what I saw: a 5'4" Latina weighing easily 275, clad in a purple velvet corset and black skirt barely covering her gooch, fawning all over some skinny "dirty sanchez" type in a yellow linen suit. Oh it was bad. First of all, George Lopez is absolutely correct: Latina women need to stop plucking their eyebrows and Sharpy-markering in perfect arches that give the appearance of riding on a bike downhill really fast. He is also correct in saying that Latina women need to wear shit that FITS! The back of this corset didn't have a privacy panel, and our dear Latina was not wearing anything underneath it, so the entire back was laced in such a way that gave this bitch a back-camel-toe. OHMUHGUH! And, it did not help smooth out the rolls of fat; in fact, it accentuated them to the point of hilarity. You could not discern what this woman's shape was. Ladies, own your fat. It's fine! But for all that is decent and Holy, please where shit that actually fits. You've got a skin. You don't need a second one! I know lots of larger women who make beautiful clothing choices to accentuate their figures without looking like a poorly decorated ColorForm Christmas ornaments that melted in the strangest of places in an oven!
From Vegas we drove to Thousand Oaks, CA, which is kind of like the Jewiest part of Florida you can imagine. Gorgeous venue, great staff, and a Starbucks near the hotel (by now, this is sometimes the best thing about a place.)
Then on to San Luis Obispo, CA, home to California Polytechnic. This is heaven to me. The drive itself along the coast of Cali with a destination such as this allowed for some serious deep breathing, and much-needed relaxation and rejuvenation. It's a campus town type of place, but so worth it. I can equate it to the best of Lincoln Park and Lincoln Square in Chicago. The temperature was 70 during the day, and 40 at night. The town is situated on the side of the mountains to the east, and on the edge of a cliff to the west. Wonderful, smiling, happy people everywhere, and a beautiful community. The venue was great, and the staff was THE nicest we have encountered. I would live in this place in a heartbeat in my older years. It's not too far from wine country, and a four hour drive to LA or San Francisco, I think. I wish we could have spent more time here.
Driving through LA traffic at rush hour on our way to Pasadena for the night was like driving through Chicago traffic on a Bears game day. It wasn't too bad, but was like driving in a videogame. Seriously, LA drivers…..you know how when you feel like everyone hates you and you don't know why? Yeah, well picture 500 of your closest enemies surrounding you in three seconds and you've got LA rush hour traffic. And I finally realized why people in California are thin. It's because of the roads. California roads are horrid. If you are driving anything larger than a standard-sized automobile, your car and you jiggle and shake non-stop for hours. The roads remind you of how out of shape you are as you watch your jiggling chest and stomach, and you are made painfully aware of how out of shape you are. Genius! This is an absolute genius way to get people to be more health conscience. I kept my cool, though. The folks on the road might have won the battle, but the war was mine in changing lanes and making exits, bitches! (maniacal laughter, maniacal laughter…)
On down to Arizona, specifically Scottsdale, where money is apparently in-style, and pageboy caps are gauche. So hot, but sweat evaporates almost as soon as it appears. You don't feel tired after walking around in the heat for an hour like you do during July and August in Chicago. And this is because of the extreme lack of humidity. I really don't mind summer or the outdoors, except when it is humid. Humidity is awful. It is the devil's work. And people who love humidity must have been drinking well before the age of 21, thus closing off certain cerebral development that allows the mind to choose between stupid and really fuckin' whacked. End of story. I'm looking forward to summer a bit more this year, though. I think this summer has laying in the sun as part of it's regular routine. Here's hoping there's time.
In other news, it amazes me how many people get drunk all the time. It always has, but now more than ever it is THE thing to do a lot. It's really not that socially fun. And my goodness, at this point anything is the symptom of a hangover, from nausea to wearing sunglasses and a missed period, for let's face it, a lot of sex happens for a lot of drunks. Drunks need something else to do, like climbing a mountain, or perhaps making crafts. If getting drunk all the time is the alternative to my boring life, then I'll gladly stay sober and be boring. I'm so tired of being ridiculed for being "too safe" or "naïve" or "uncool." I have no criminal record, I have other stories to tell, I'm not leering red-eyed out of a picture at a bar, and my skin still looks age appropriate. Boo to drunks. Spend your money on useful things, or invest. There is a world of starving artists waiting for a grant to come through. Be a less-selfish person and give, damnit!
We've got some shows coming up in Avon, CO, and Oklahoma City, and then our final shows in Glenn Ellyn, IL. Then back to DC for stocking, and THEN home sweet home Chicago. April isn't so cruel after all. Maybe my curse is broken. That would be nice. I haven't been dumped during Lent in years, and this April has been calm compared to years past. I'd knock on wood, but sadly the only available surface here in Arizona is adobe or stucko….so…knock on stucko?....
Be well, be safe, and enjoy!
Joshua
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